i am just sayin', part 2

I am just sayin'

Today's email from The Universe

Be at peace, dear Jennifer, rest easy, relax, coast and luxuriate to any degree that you can allow yourself, for the day will inevitably arrive when you'll understand all the "reasons" that now elude you, bless the darkness that now seems to separate you, and celebrate the ancient choices that once made you.

Just as we do.

Trust me, 

The Universe

PS - Jennifer Hoskins, you couldn't possibly be more important.

bring it, dekalb county

Curbside at my neighbor's house.

Curbside at my house.

Notice anything different? Hmmmm...maybe that my neighbor's recycling was picked up (as evidenced by the bin being upside down and the lid strewn 6 feet away). Mine? My bin and bag sit just as I left them yesterday, neatly placed, nestled up to the shrubbery.

There's only one explanation - the DeKalb County Sanitation Department has it out for me. Paranoid, you say? I say #1 - you're wrong, and #2 - you really need to work on your validating skills. Have you forgotten the "how do I throw away a garbage can" incident of August 2010? See here and here (yes, 'twas a two-parter).  Me thinks they are exacting their revenge.

Sure, you could say that it was because I put my recycling out at noon, and the truck had already run.  Seriously, you're not a good validater AT ALL. All I know is that I had to do the walk of shame this morning and drag my bin and that big ass bag of cans/bottles/etc. back to my carport.

So, you just wait until next Wednesday, DeKalb County...not only will the bin and bag be on the curb, bright and early, but so will I, sitting in a lawn chair giving you the stink eye.

Drive on by, I dare you.

jack v. tom turkey

Woke up to carnage this morning.

RIP Tom Turkey

I think Jack felt that his alpha status was being challenged. And I guess to a 10-year old house cat, a honeycomb turkey table topper from Party City is a threat.

Truth be told, Tom had it coming. He had a bit of an attitude...strutting around like he owned the place.

That's one smug bird.

Jack is very satisfied with himself now. He's the man of the house once again.

I'm the man of the house, I say.

And I wouldn't have it any other way...

things you should know about me

R.E.M. is my favorite band.
Automatic For the People is one of my life-changing albums.
I love this song.
That's all for now.

The river to the ocean goes,

a fortune for the undertow.

None of this is going my way.

There is nothing left to throw

of Ginger, lemon, indigo,

coriander stem and rose of hay.

Strength and courage overrides

the privileged and weary eyes

of river poet search naiveté.

Pick up here and chase the ride.

The river empties to the tide.

All of this is coming your way.

happy days

Have you ever had one of those days where you are happy for no apparent reason?

Today was one of those days.

:)

10 thoughts (some rants) from an unemployed me

1. No, I don't have a job yet. Believe me, when I get a job you will be among the first to know. There will probably be a party involved.

2. Yes, I am looking for a job. Every day. Yes, I know where to look. Yes, I know what jobs to apply for. Yes, I have heard of Indeed.com, Monster.com, Craigslist, YahooJobs, CareerBuilder.com, etc., etc., etc. Yes, I have applied for jobs. Many of them. Leads and suggestions are welcomed and appreciated. But don't assume that if I don't have a job a week after your suggestion, I didn't follow your advice or didn't take your lead.

3. Yes, I know that networking is the best way to find a job. Yes, I am doing that too.

4. When you invite me out to dinner, in no way do I expect you to pay. When you do, it is so sweet, and it is much appreciated but never an expectation.

5. Please don't exclude me from plans because you assume I can't afford it. That's my call. If I can't afford it, I can't afford it, and I will say "No, thanks!"

6. I may seem easy-going and non-chalant about the whole thing. Have we met? That's how I do. Yeah, I'm posting goofy videos on my blog and making jokes about how much time I have on my hands. But I'm not lazy. I'm not lying on the couch all day watching Oprah. Well, I'm watching Oprah. Let's not get crazy. But make no mistake, I'm taking this very seriously.

7. In direct contrast to #6, I may lash out at you. Losing your job is a pretty humiliating/embarrassing experience and dealing with the above (especially Items 1-3) brings out defensive Jen. Not an excuse though. If I have lashed out at you and not apologized then I'm a jerk, and you should call me out on it.

8. I am one of the most responsible people you know. That didn't change when I lost my job. 

9. I was laid off 3 months ago. Yeah, that's a long time. The average length of unemployment as of October, is 8 1/2 months. Not to say I get to coast for another 5 1/2 months. But don't count me out just yet.

10. I hope this never happens to you.

Another Insert Clever Title Here exclusive...

**UPDATE - The second I uploaded this to YouTube, I got an email stating that I may have violated copyright laws. How exciting! So, if the video doesn't play that's why.  Bring it, Boyz II Men.

abba barks

And yeah, that's kind of a big deal.

"So, is that your pot?"

Um no, Bart, the Orkin Man, that would be catnip.

Tattoo Haikus

I got a tattoo.

Not as whitebread as you thought?

Don't tell Mom and Dad.

It's Chinese for strength.

I found the picture online.

Could mean shrimp fried rice.

Look like Marky Mark.

In Hanes cotton underwear.

Need to do situps.

It's been a rough year.

With loss, change, and upheaval.

Not my cup of tea.

Fear, my achilles.

But the ink, a reminder.

Strength defines me now.

4:22 a.m.

Dear critter in my attic,

Please go away. I'd really like to go to sleep now.

Love,
The tired lady below who keeps beating on the ceiling with a baseball bat

what i need is a good defense...

So, I kind of stole a can of black beans from Wal-Mart. I say "kind of" because while I did indeed leave a Wal-Mart super center with a can of black beans that I didn't pay for, it was completely unintentional.  It all started at Sunday brunch where I enjoyed an adult beverage or, ahem, two.  I left brunch completely sober and decided to make a run to Wal-Mart to pick up a few items.

Wal-Mart. Sunday. After church. 

Seriously, what was I thinking? So, I stroll into Wal-Mart, and oh is it ever crowded. "Christ Almighty," I thought.  "Stay focused. Get a cart, get the kitty litter, and get outta here."  So, I'm gripping my cart handle, heading to the "Pet Care" section, when the rum starts to work its magic. I start to get a little tipsy. In Wal-Mart. On a Sunday. After church. I'm not so focused on getting my kitty litter and getting out. I'm actually enjoying being at Wal-Mart! The Halloween aisle catches my eye. "Ooooooooh, candy!" I spent probably 5 minutes on the Halloween candy aisle. And even though I have no kids, and live in a neighborhood where after 5 years, I have never had one trick-or-treater EVER, I decided it would be a great idea to buy a big bag of tootsie rolls. "I love tootsie rolls! And Coopy likes to play with the wrappers!" Then, I start to whistle the tootsie roll song. Kinda loud.

The world looks mighty good to me,

Cause tootsie rolls are all I see.

Whatever it is I think I see,

Becomes a tootsie roll to me!

Then I decide that I want nachos. "Let's see, I need chips, and cheese, and sour cream, and lettuce, and salsa, and what else...BLACK BEANS!" Now, mind you. I have 47 cans of black beans at home. Don't ask me why, but it's a staple of the lesbian household. A lesbian house is not a home without WD-40, at least one Melissa Etheridge cd (KD Lang will do in a pinch), and multiple cans of black beans. But the rum was behind the wheel, and into the cart it went.

I've been in Wal-Mart for probably 20 minutes and finally get around to getting the kitty litter...the whole reason that I was there in the first place. I happily skip on to the checkout lane. As I pay for my items, my whistle turns to a hum:

Tootsie roll, tootsie roll, chocolately chew!

Tootsie roll, I think I'm in love with you!

I tell the cashier, "you have a good day, too" (and mean it!)  I say to the Wal-Mart receipt checker, "Of course you can check my receipt! I have NOTHING to hide!" I'm happily tossing my items into the Jeep wearing a huge grin.  I had discovered the secret to enjoying shopping at Wal-Mart. On a Sunday. After church. You just need to be a little tipsy. Fantastic!

Then, I saw it. Tucked in the corner of the cart, behind the two big bags of kitty litter was a lone can of black beans. I gasped audibly. I looked around to see if anyone else noticed. As if anyone else would even care! The guy parked next to me had a DVD player stuffed in his pants, and I'm freaked out about a $.92 can of black beans! "Wait, did it just fall out of the bag? [Checking the receipt] Crap! What do I do?!? Do, I take it back and pay for it? What if it sets off the alarm when I go back in? Do I leave it in the parking lot? Do I go back into the store buy a can of black beans and then return it to the shelf?" My head was swimming with anxiety and instead of doing the right thing, I hopped into the Jeep and peeled out of the parking lot.

It has come to this, blog readers. I am now a thief.  My unfortunate unemployment has led me to a life of crime. Try not to judge.

working "the secret"

I will get that job.  (Yeah, that one, right there.)

Rebecca Meyers would be proud.

awkward

Receiving a LinkedIn invitation from a former colleague who obviously doesn't realize that you were laid off almost 3 months ago.

before and after

Day 1 of house/pet sitting for my parents. Bella isn't taking it too well.

Happy, smiling Bella, the night before my parents left.

Depressed, lethargic Bella, waiting by the front door.

Poor Bella. She'll snap out of it...hopefully. Mom and Dad aren't expected back until Friday. :O

super glue, part 2

Again with the super glue. I am offically banning it from the house. I was trying to repair a cute little decorative dutch boy pepper shaker whose arm had been broken off in an unfortunate vaccuming accident.

Poor little dutch boy is still armless.

Yep, it's on there.

Action shot!

Coopy is too embarassed by his dumb Mom to be in the picture.

Humility. I has it.

So, I had to stop by Ansley Animal Clinic today to pick up the babies' super fancy (read: SUPER EXPENSIVE) cat food.  There was a cute girl working the front counter who struck up a conversation as she was looking up my account:

Cute girl: You're Jennifer Leigh just like me!
Me (perking up): Oh yeah? That must have been a popular combination back in the 70s.
Cute girl: Yeah, I guess. I was born in 1988.

[Insert sound of record scratching to a halt.]

How nice for you, I was a freshman in high school. 

Christ Almighty, people.  Seriously?  I have so much to learn.

tough love from the universe

super glue

Uh oh.

A sticky situation. Har!

Not ok. Jack is judging me in the background.

No, I haven't had a stroke.

So, I went to the dentist today to have an old filling replaced.  Apparently, she wants her patients to feel NO PAIN, because I have never been so numb in my life. 


I can't feel the left side of my face.



Happy.



Angry.



Sad.



Surpise.

Supposed to wear off in a few hours. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

It wasn't a squirrel...

Meet  Mr. Rat.
He's been living in my attic for about a month.



As promised, Mr. Rat's new home.



Doesn't say anything about rats!

How ya like me now?

Being unemployed is fun!

Dekalb Sanitation Department, 1 - Jennifer, 0 --- For Now

In an earlier blog post, I shared my excitement over the purchase of a new garbage can. My giddiness, however, was tainted with bewilderment over how exactly to dispose of my old decrepit garbage can with the bent wheel axle and salmonella-infused homemade rope handle. Today was my first attempt to throw away said sad can.

Free Trash Can to Good Home

OR

Garbage Man, Please Take

Pretty straight-forward, right? I even put a little "Not Recyclable" symbol with a sad face, so that I wouldn't be judged by the more rabid environmentalist residents of unincorporated Dekalb County. I wheeled my cans to the curb last night; my new can full of garbage and my sad can with its sharpied sign. Imagine my glee this afternoon upon returning from errand-running to see only my new can sitting by the curb with its lid in the upright position...the universal santitation worker symbol..."we picked up yo' garbage, come get yo' can!" But oh, blog readers, what did I spy when I reached the curb:

Not only did they NOT pick up sad can, they took my sign and hid the can behind a bush! Read my lips, blog readers:

THIS IS WAR!

Letter from a friend

Some background. I worked with Byron in my former life...you know, the one where I had a job? He's been at TMA as long as I had and worked out of the Chattanooga office which I commuted to for over a year. He's one of the nicest guys and was always one of my favorite TMA folks. We had dinner about a month ago when he was in Atlanta for an audit. At the time, I was lamenting about how I had just cancelled my cable. He offered to send me season 1 of the Sopranos on DVD. The package arrived today along with this note. Made me laugh out loud.

I don't have the heart to tell him that I re-upped my cable. :/

This is the life.

Wednesday

I'm considering renaming my blog. Something with a soap opera theme. Some ideas:

As My World Crumbles
Young and The Jobless
Bold and The Medicated
All My Cats

Still working on it. :)

The books I ordered came today! Woot! Don't you just love getting packages? Though after perusing my purchases, there is little doubt that I am on Amazon.com's suicide-watch list.

We've got a jumper.

In other exciting news, I got a new garbage can today! It's one of those heavy duty ones that you get for free if you live in a major metropolitan city. Unincorporated Dekalb County? Not so much.

Isn't it pretty?

Ideal for garbage. Score!

Goodbye, sad can with the homemade handle and bent axle.

That rope handle was toxic, y'all.

Sad, just sad.

My new purchase sparks a question that philosophers have wrestled with since the beginning of time - right up there with "Does God exist?"

How does one throw away a garbage can?

Do I put it in the new garbage can? What if it's recyclable? Do I put it in my blue bin? These are the things that keep me up at night. That and whatever is living in my attic.

Speaking of...as I am writing this at 12:23 a.m. on Thursday morning, the little critter is dancing above my head. I had Bart, my Orkin man and new BFF, put a humane trap up there Monday. Now I'm kind of freaked out that I actually might trap something. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to kill whatever it is, but the thought of it scurrying around and then hearing the trap door slam shut is giving me the creeps. Bart tried to make a deal with me. "If it's a squirrel, we can set it free, but if it's a mouse or rat, you let me take care of it." I agreed to no such thing. I told him that if it is a squirrel, I would let it out in my yard, which I understand makes no sense. But I love my squirrels. Mr. Squirrel greets me every morning in the holly tree, and my boys chatter at him. If it's a rat/mouse/other vermin, I will take him/her to Stone Mountain where we will take in the laser show before I set him/her free.

HA!

three sixty five

I signed up for the 365 project which is where you take a photo every day for one year.  You can follow me here: http://365project.org/jenniferhoskins/365

We'll see how long this lasts.  I have a tendency to get all gung ho about these kind of things, then abandon them when I get bored or distracted.

Exhibit A: My foursquare friends (all 3 of you) are probably concerned that I have been @Home since August 1.  I can assure you, I have left the house in the last 7 days.

Exhibit B: My twitter followers (all 6 of you, 3 of which are spam), think that I have been sitting waiting on my lunch since April 2, 2009.  I'm hungry, but not that hungry.

Exhibit C: The blog. Enough said.

Wish me luck!  Oh, and take a wild guess who the first picture is of.  ♥

random thoughts from the unemployed

Big Lots is the new Target.

My ghetto TV from 2004 needs a digital conveter box. Will have to wait a bit longer to tell Comcast to kick rocks.

When I hear R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" I like to change the lyrics to the following:

I believe I can fly / I believe I can touch this guy

It is quite possible that I haven't dusted the top the entertainment center since April 2005.

Holla, TMA.

For no other reason than to make me smile.

I'll be home tomorrow, lil' peanut.