Insert Clever Title Here: October 2010

So, I kind of stole a can of black beans from Wal-Mart. I say "kind of" because while I did indeed leave a Wal-Mart super center with a can of black beans that I didn't pay for, it was completely unintentional. It all started at Sunday brunch where I enjoyed an adult beverage or, ahem, two. I left brunch completely sober and decided to make a run to Wal-Mart to pick up a few items.

Wal-Mart. Sunday. After church.

Seriously, what was I thinking? So, I stroll into Wal-Mart, and oh is it ever crowded. "Christ Almighty," I thought. "Stay focused. Get a cart, get the kitty litter, and get outta here." So, I'm gripping my cart handle, heading to the "Pet Care" section, when the rum starts to work its magic. I start to get a little tipsy. In Wal-Mart. On a Sunday. After church. I'm not so focused on getting my kitty litter and getting out. I'm actually enjoying being at Wal-Mart! The Halloween aisle catches my eye. "Ooooooooh, candy!" I spent probably 5 minutes on the Halloween candy aisle. And even though I have no kids, and live in a neighborhood where after 5 years, I have never had one trick-or-treater EVER, I decided it would be a great idea to buy a big bag of tootsie rolls. "I love tootsie rolls! And Coopy likes to play with the wrappers!" Then, I start to whistle the tootsie roll song. Kinda loud.

The world looks mighty good to me,

Cause tootsie rolls are all I see.

Whatever it is I think I see,

Becomes a tootsie roll to me!

Then I decide that I want nachos. "Let's see, I need chips, and cheese, and sour cream, and lettuce, and salsa, and what else...BLACK BEANS!" Now, mind you. I have 47 cans of black beans at home. Don't ask me why, but it's a staple of the lesbian household. A lesbian house is not a home without WD-40, at least one Melissa Etheridge cd (KD Lang will do in a pinch), and multiple cans of black beans. But the rum was behind the wheel, and into the cart it went.

I've been in Wal-Mart for probably 20 minutes and finally get around to getting the kitty litter...the whole reason that I was there in the first place. I happily skip on to the checkout lane. As I pay for my items, my whistle turns to a hum:

Tootsie roll, tootsie roll, chocolately chew!

Tootsie roll, I think I'm in love with you!

I tell the cashier, "you have a good day, too" (and mean it!) I say to the Wal-Mart receipt checker, "Of course you can check my receipt! I have NOTHING to hide!" I'm happily tossing my items into the Jeep wearing a huge grin. I had discovered the secret to enjoying shopping at Wal-Mart. On a Sunday. After church. You just need to be a little tipsy. Fantastic!

Then, I saw it. Tucked in the corner of the cart, behind the two big bags of kitty litter was a lone can of black beans. I gasped audibly. I looked around to see if anyone else noticed. As if anyone else would even care! The guy parked next to me had a DVD player stuffed in his pants, and I'm freaked out about a $.92 can of black beans! "Wait, did it just fall out of the bag? [Checking the receipt] Crap! What do I do?!? Do, I take it back and pay for it? What if it sets off the alarm when I go back in? Do I leave it in the parking lot? Do I go back into the store buy a can of black beans and then return it to the shelf?" My head was swimming with anxiety and instead of doing the right thing, I hopped into the Jeep and peeled out of the parking lot.

It has come to this, blog readers. I am now a thief. My unfortunate unemployment has led me to a life of crime. Try not to judge.