Today's adventure...VERTIGO! And I ain't talkin' Hitchcock...

Dear Universe,

Hey, it's me. Hope you are doing well. I know you're very busy, what with being the universe and all, but I just wanted to drop you a quick note. I think I might have offended you. Remember after Chris and I split up and then when I lost my job. Yeah, good times. Well, I seem to remember exclaiming...possibly out loud..."What's next, Universe? BRING IT!!"

Yeeeahhhh, I didn't really mean that. So, could you make my world stop spinning now? Please?

Your friend,
Jennifer

what a difference 664 days make

Christ Almighty. I can't believe the last time I blogged was in September 2008. I sort of feel the need to fill you in on the happenings of 2009, but really, 2009 has NOTHING on 2010. Oh goodness, blog readers, has 2010 ever been a kick in the pants.

Let's just rip the band-aid off and get the big one over with. Chris and I split up after 10 great years together. Split up...that sounds so juvenile. I haven't quite found the right phrase to describe it...broke up, no...DIVORCE sounds so heavy and truly we weren't legally married, obviously. So, I'm sticking with split up for now. You won't see me airing our dirty laundry here...truth be told, our dirty laundry was pretty damn clean. Totally the kind that you could pull out of the hamper, throw in the dryer and wear to work without anyone being the wiser.

We had a great run, and have both handled the situation with dignity and compassion. We are NOT that lesbian couple that's going to get all bitter and crazy. (Fast forward 3 months from now to me standing outside of her window holding a bottle of Arbor Mist in one hand and a boom box blaring "I'm the Only One" by Melissa Etheridge, in the other.)

Oh, but that's not all. If only that was the end of my 2010 drama. Get this...three weeks to the day that Chris and I decided to call it quits, I got laid off...from the job I had for 10 years. DO WHA? I litearlly came back from a week long vacation to no job. And to add insult to injury, the official lay off date was July 14. Y'all, that's my birthday! I mean, seriously, it's so tragic that it's almost funny.  (Fast forward 3 months from now living under a bridge NOT LAUGHING.)

But I am still standing. I'm trying to look at the big picture and realize that my life must have been out of balance somehow and this is the Universe giving me a course correction. I GET IT, OK?!?! What I have learned from this is that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was. And that even though really don't know what the future holds, I'm not really scared. I know that it's all going to be ok.

So, I am single and unemployed. No wait, single, unemployed AND living with 3 cats. Oh snap, I'm 15 minutes away from a fanny pack and an episode of Hoarders.  Ugh.

I will be blogging my life progress and my job hunting progress, as a means of entertainment (for myself mostly, because I do make me laugh) and to keep myself on track. Feel free to follow along. If for no other reason than to have someone else to point at and say, "At least my life isn't as bad as hers!"

I'm here for you, people.

Sunday Night

Guilty Feet Have Got No Rhythm

George Michael flees UK

London - George Michael has fled the UK after being arrested for drug possession. The 'Faith' singer left his $5 million mansion with partner Kenny Goss, carrying six suitcases before heading to London Luton Airport on Tuesday night.

It is believed the 45-year-old star is on his way to his favourite retreat in the South of France, but George's publicist could not confirm his destination, saying: "We don't know where he is going."

An onlooker said: "They looked like they were going away for some time judging by all the luggage they were carrying."

George - who was famously arrested for engaging in a lewd act in a Los Angeles public toilet in 1998 - was found in possession of crack cocaine and marijuana last Friday after a public toilet attendant tipped off police.

But officers decided to let him off with a warning after he "showed remorse" and said further charges would ruin his career.

He later pleaded to his fans for forgiveness, saying in a statement: "I want to apologise to my fans for screwing up again, and to promise them I'll sort myself out. And to say sorry to everybody else, just for boring them."

Meanwhile, singer Boy George - who has also battled drug addiction - has expressed his sympathy with the star.

::sigh::

It's hard enough being a George Michael fan on a good day, people.

And getting sympahty from this guy:

If that's not a wake up call, I don't know what is.

Still love you, GM, but that t-shirt I bought at your concert might have to stay in my dresser drawer a little while longer. I'm sure you understand.

Default Photo Pose, The Remix

Please review my previous blog in which I demonstrated my default photo pose. However, it has come to my attention, that I have TWO default photo poses. This one I call, the "twisty arm lesbian lean."

October 2007

August 2008

Oh, and can I just point out that I'm not the only one with a default photo pose. Mmmmkay?

My Windows Are Clean...Fresh As A Summer's Breeze

So, Chris and I got new windows installed in our house last week. We are thrilled. We've been in our house for 3 years and have never been able to open the windows...they were either painted or nailed shut. This was a big thing.

The window in our shower was the catalyst. Yes, I said the window in our shower...our house was built before the days of central heat and air, so the only way to ventilate was to open a window. Years of water splashing on a wood frame window...wood rot, people. It's a concern. We had resorted to duct taping a huge blue plastic recycling bag over the window to prevent further damage. We are nothing if not classy.

Fast forward to today...I was talking to my sister over IM and mentioned the windows and she said, send pictures! So, I went snapping away and made sure to get a good picture of the one in the bathroom. I uploaded them to Snapfish and was ready to apply witty captions such as ("Bathroom window: Before," "Bathroom window: After") when something caught my eye. Take a good look and see if you see it...

Give up? Let me help you...THERE'S A BIG OL' BOTTLE OF SUMMER'S EVE FEMININE WASH IN THE SHOWER CADDY!! Can't talk your eyes off it now, can you? And it's not just any bottle of feminine wash, it a super-sized bottle that we bought at Costco cause it's cheaper, AND it's UPSIDE DOWN for easy dispensing.

I was about to send this to friends/family/co-workers/the mailman. Oh the humanity!

Skinny Lesbian No Match for Sasquatch, News at 11

Fact: Chris and I are renting a cabin in the North Georgia mountains over Labor Day weekend.

Fact: Two men allegedly have discovered the 7'7" 500 lb. corpse of Sasquatch (hereafter referred to as Bigfoot) in the North Georgia mountains.

Fact: These two men also allege that while they were removing Bigfoot from the area (with plans to place in a freezer, no less), other Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) were seen circling the area.

Although these men have not disclosed the exact location where they found the furry carcass, I can only assume that it was within a 2 mile radius of the cabin we rented. And that the Bigfeet (Bigfoots?) seen circling the area have had plenty of time to plot their revenge.

I'm gonna end up in some Sasquatch's freezer, I just know it.

It's good to be loved...

Wonder when Jennifer is going to update her blog again. Life is just not worth living without it!

I agree. I know there are other blogs out there, but here's how I feel about them!

Please, oh please update your blog soon, Jennifer. If not, we will be forced to do other things...like work.

Ladies, ladies...don't you cry. I promise to blog soon...very soon. Show ya right.

Did you hear that?!?! A blog coming soon!! Now we have a reason to go on! Yippee!!!

saw this on cnn.com and it made me laugh out loud ***UPDATE***

And I'm posting it for no other reason than that.

It's my blog. Deal with it.

***EDIT***

I knew that picture reminded me of something...

Pageants, George Michael, Malls, Lesbians...

The following is an actual IM conversation that took place between me and B, referred to lovingly here as Pinto. (Side note: gotta love the fact that B has never really asked why we gave her such a moniker.) I tried to write a narrative version of this, but the real thing was sooooo much better.

Enjoy!

me: i know you have pageant issues from the unfortunate miss clawson incident
me: however
pinto: you want me to sign up for a pageant?
me: no, you've already won
me: sort of
pinto: I SHOULD HAVE WON
me: I AGREE
me: that whore
me: where is she now?
me: in the gutter addicted to meth?
me: anyways
me: you are first runner up...to be my chaperone to the george michael concert
me: if cj is not able to fulfill her duties
me: like if she comes down with e coli or some shit
me: i'm assuming that your silence means that you are overcome
pinto: i’m honored and speechless.
pinto: um, i am learning that perhaps there are conditions here?
pinto: like, responsibilities?
me: well, yeah
me: first
me: i might cry
me: so, you'll have to deal with that
me: second, i may require that you slow dance with me during "careless whisper"
me: no...take the may out...that's a definite
pinto: i see.
me: third, you can't make fun of the way he says faith-a-faith-a-faith-a
pinto: chris says that perhaps i would be allowed to find a suitable, hopefully gay, mail suitor for your dancing needs?
me: :(
me: k
pinto: i will accept these conditions.
pinto: perhaps
pinto: i can also have a parade in my honor, as first runner up
pinto: and ride in the back of the miata
pinto: like i did in 1994
me: i can see it now...
me: we could blast a gm song from the stereo
me: your theme
me: i'll have to think on what your theme is
pinto: ok
me: in other news...did chris tell you of my embarrassing mall experience?
pinto: no
me: did you have a chance to read my blog?
pinto: yes, good lord you are funny
me: why thank you
me: ok, so i went to the mall to buy a work-appropriate outfit
me: and i became overwhelmed
me: i hate the mall
me: i went into dillard's and was like, "who wears this shit?"
me: i went into the gap and thought i was in a freaking runway show
me: where are the khakis?
me: so, i was feeling all down
me: cause none of this stuff is me
me: and i round the corner of a certain dept store
me: and see a nice table of khakis
me: and POLOS
me: white ones
me: blue ones
me: black ones
pinto: jen central
me: YES
me: i was like, I DO HAVE A PLACE IN THIS WORLD
me: then i looked up
me: ...
pinto: men's section?
me: worse
me: juniors...still not that bad
me: wait for it
me: school uniform section
pinto: oh no
me: :/
pinto: hahahahahahahahaha
me: that may turn into a blog
me: and i was thinking...i'm not a bad dresser
me: i'm no fashionista
me: i have a very classic americana preppy lesbian look
pinto: they really just need to have a lesbian store.
me: yes
me: the way the fucking gap used to be
pinto: nothing but polos and jeans, some men's, some women's, plain t-shirts, cargo shorts
pinto: nothing floral, no skirts or dresses
pinto: perhaps even a little rack in the corner for that has some t-shirts with embroidered cats on them
me: lol
me: rainbow cats
pinto: like 6 of them, each a different color
pinto: and on the end of the rack can be some fanny packs
me: we should do this
me: instead of big & tall...dyke & butch
pinto: it's gotta have a more subtle name - i would never shop at dyke & butch
me: no no no
me: that would just be a section
pinto: ah, i see
me: i have my pride too
pinto: "the other kind of girl"
me: girls who like [blog edit]
me: too much?
pinto: very subtle
me: sorry...i think my starbux had an extra shot
me: you're better at subtle anyway

Putting the Casual Back in Business Casual...

I am of the opinion that jeans are business casual. Simply stated, jeans are nothing but khakis made out of denim. Especially the way I wear them...with a nice crease down the front. See?


I am NOTHING if not professional in those.

But alas, my boss is coming into the office unexpectedly, and I packed nothing but my jeans, 4 cans of heavy starch, and a commercial-grade iron. Oh well, guess I'll have to go Chatta-shopping tonite.

And in keeping with the theme, GM is in 2 days. Woot! I bet George Michael can wear jeans any time he damn well pleases. Shaking your ass next to a juke box in a pair of chinos would just be silly.

Wonder if my friends would disown me?

The Only Man I Have Ever Loved...

The countdown begins...

The girl may have a point.

So, Chris has always told me that I have a default photo face. A kind of frozen grin that flashes across my face when I know that my picture is being taken. I've denied such. However, a recent duo of pictures has made me reconsider her claims.

Exhibit A:

This picture was taken on my birthday. Did the large candle topped confection in front of me give it away? And don't hate on my cookie cake. Yes, I am aware that no one has ordered a cookie cake since 1987. I'm bringing it back, people, and Great American Cookies was glad to have the business. Times are tough. But I digress. On to...

Exhibit B:

This picture was taken last night at my delayed birthday celebration at B & C's. They were conveniently in Miami being chorus rock stars or some shit on my true birthday. I made them throw me a party when they got back. Again, with the digression.

The photos are strikingly similar. Let's review:

• The smile is very similar.
• My head is cocked slightly to the left in both.
• Hands are clasped in both.
• The same piece of hair has crept out from behind my left shoulder in both.
• My hair is parted in the same place...let's be honest people...that part hasn't moved in 20 years and it's not moving anytime soon.
• Apparently, pink is my summer color.
• I have terrible posture in both.

Eery. I might submit these photos to Highlights magazine for a future installment of "spot the differences" That's right...I said, Highlights. Don't hate. Goofus & Gallant...I'm bringin' it back.

Change I Can't Fit In

If anyone knows any politically active sufferers of anorexia nervosa in need of clothing, I have a nice new Barack Obama t-shirt that needs a new home.

Apparently, when the description indicated "sizes tend to run slightly small," it really meant, "get a large, fatty."

Mocha, Take the Wheel

So, I went to Starbucks this morning. It's my Dancing Goats alternative when I'm Chatta-working. I think I've got the formula down to make the Starbucks version of my signature iced mocha less heinous...only 2 pumps of chocolate vs. the 4 that they normally put in there. I ordered coffee, not a candy bar, people. Anyways, my Chatta-barista tells me that I have been chosen for an online survey and that participation in said survey enters me for a chance to win $1,000. Woot!

Of course, that's the first thing I do when I get to the Chatta-office. Here's the rub...if I'm honest and tell them their coffee tastes like crap and I only get it because there's no Chatta-ternative, I ain't winning no $1,000. It's just like the Publisher's Clearning House sweepstakes. No purchase necessary my ass. You're not getting that $1,000,000 unless you are up to your armpits in Field & Stream and Better Homes & Gardens.

So, as much of a betrayal as it is to my beloved DG...I have to admit that I kissed a little Starbucks ass to get a shot at the $1,000.

I feel so dirty.

I did draw the line however when asked to rate on a scale from strongly agree to strongly disagree whether or not I found my visit to Starbucks "uplifting." (I kid you not.) It's coffee, people, not Opra....er, I mean Jesus.

Random Thoughts...

Walking into Target and realizing that of the 7 items that make up your outfit, 5 were purchased at Target. This is about as cool as wearing your favorite band's t-shirt to their concert. In other words, it's not. Whilst shopping today, I tried to keep moving so people wouldn't think I was a mannequin.

Realizing that even though the new fast food craze is to greet drive-thru customers with, "How are you today?" instead of "Can I take your order?", doesn't really mean that the 16 year-old working the drive thru really wants to know how my day is going nor does she want me to return the favor.

Taco Bell Representative: How are you today?
Me: Just fine, thank you. How are you?
::2 MINUTES OF SILENCE::
Taco Bell Rep: Hello?
Me: Hello?
Taco Bell Rep: ::Exasperated sigh:: Go 'head with your order."

It is true that blaring good music in your headphones and singing along at the top of your lungs into a shampoo bottle make cleaning the bathroom a much more pleasant experience; however, it is worthy to mention that your skiddish puppy dog might not agree. If such behavior is necessary, it is wise to set aside additional time afterwards to explain to the puppy dog that Mama did not say to knock her out, and that I am not required to save the world, let alone in only 4 minutes.

Chatta-isms

Most of you blog readers (all 4 of you) know my work situation. But, in the off chance that someone reads this that isn't related to me in some way, let me explain. I began commuting from Atlanta to Chattanooga, TN about 3 weeks ago for my job.

::GASP:: You commute to CHATTANOOGA??? ::GASP::

Get it out of your system, people. Yes, I commute to Chattanooga. I could go through all the reasons why it's not as bad as it seems, but truly, it becomes exhausting. As long as it's ok with me and my girl (and so far, it is), no explanation is needed.

But that little rant isn't the reason for my blog post today. This post is about Chatta-isms. Spending a few days a week in a new city is interesting. Chattanooga isn't all that new to me...I mean, I had been here several times before for work. And even before that Chattanooga was a tourist destination in the Tennessee Valley. The aquarium in downtown (this was before the Atlanta aquarium...you know, the place where the fishes go to die), the Chattanooga choo choo, oh, and Ruby Falls. Ruby Falls, Ruby Falls. You can drive within 500 miles of Chattanooga and see signs for Ruby Falls. Ruby Damn Falls ain't nothing but an underground waterfall with a red light shining on it. But I still bought the bird house with "See Ruby Falls" painted on it.

But I digress.

On to the Chatta-isms, or words/phrases I use to describe my new found home away from home.

• Chatta-lesbian - Weeble wobbles who sleep with other weeble wobbles, wear long shorts, and sport their Vols hat backwards. I saw a couple in Target the other day. They looked at me as if to say, "What are you lookin' at straighty?" I took offense. Who says a lesbian can't pull off an argyle cardigan?


• Chatta-Moe's - The best damn Moe's on the planet. I've been twice and am VERY impressed. Also impressive is the fact that the employees are caucasian females. It has been my experience that the closer you are in ethnicity to the food you are preparing, the better the food will be. (Racist? I don't think so.) So, I was worried to see young white female teenagers about to prepare my Unanimous Decision. (Side note: can Moe's make up their damn minds about what they want to call a vegetarian taco? 'Cause I just got Ugly Naked Guy memorized, and they changed it! Hey, I know, hows about calling it a VEGETARIAN TACO. Geesh.) But, much to my surprise, the food was outstanding. White girls hooked it up, mmmm-KAY?


• Chatta-hobby - what I need to get. Currently, it's shopping. And that's bad. The area I'm in has a mall about 100 feet from the office, and a new Target, Wal-Mart, and Old Navy just down the road. Hmmm, should I sit in the room and watch TV....or go shopping?


• Chatta-fuel-ga - yeah, that's a bit of a stretch. But gas is cheaper here, and I could kick myself that I didn't fill up yesterday when it was $3.59/gallon. It jumped up to $3.67 today. BASTARDS! People, that's $1.20 right down the ol' drain. Which brings me to:


• Chatta-highway-robbery - The $2.50 I spent on a Baby Ruth and a Coke last night at the hotel vending machine. That's ok, I make up for it by stealing all the little shampoos, conditioners, body wash, lotions, note pads, pens, Bibles, towels, remote controls, wall art, Please Do No Disturb signs, and wall mounted hair driers. Bolt cutters come in handy.


• Chatta-nental-breakfast - I have yet to experience the breakfast at the hotel. I walk by it every morning and think, I should get something, it's free! But I don't. This morning, I decided against it because there were a bunch of boys in there. I would guess that they were part of the Kleenex sponsored racing team (I saw the big trailer parked in the parking lot last night)...they just had that racing look. And I had two laptops with me, so I couldn't very well juggle 2 laptops, a bowl of frosted flakes, a banana, a cereal bar, a cup of strawberry yogart, and apple juice. Maybe next time.

I will be adding to this list as I experience more of The Scenic City (the official nickname...needs work, I think.)

Your humble Chatta-blogger.

My Latest Business Venture

1 Lesbian & A Jeep Office Movers

Um, yeah, I have my own tools. Duh.

Progress?

There's only one thing that could bring me out of my blog hibernation: a fast food issue.

Not just any fast food, but McDonald's. And not just any McDonald's, but the first McDonald's ever constructed in my hometown. It's the trifecta, people, and I'm not happy.

It seems that under the guise of progress, the owners of the first established McDonald's in Huntsville, AL have decided to remodel. That in itself is no crime. However, as part of the renovation, they are removing the original sign, a freaking LANDMARK of the Huntsville skyline.

This sign has been there since 1963. And my research tells me that it's one of two still in operation. And now it's being torn down to be shipped to a vintage sign museum in Ohio. Ohio? WTF?Sigh. I know that things change. And I know it's just a sign. And if I'm perfectly honest, it never was my favorite McDonald's and I haven't been there in years. But it was just the idea that it was so unique, and one of the things that made my hometown, MY hometown. And now, it's gone. To Ohio. (WHY OHIO!?) There is a similarly nostalgiac sign at the Arby's across town.

(Full disclosure, that is not the actual sign.)

If I get wind that they are even thinking of tearing it down, fast forward to me chaining myself to it.

So yesterday, I decided to go to McDonald's for lunch. In addition to my usual cheeseburger, large fry, and medium Coke...I purchased one small orange drink (no ice). After I got my order, I pulled to the front, exited my car, said a few words, and poured one out for the loss of my childhood and my homie Speedee.

RIP, brother.