Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Pageants, George Michael, Malls, Lesbians...

The following is an actual IM conversation that took place between me and B, referred to lovingly here as Pinto. (Side note: gotta love the fact that B has never really asked why we gave her such a moniker.) I tried to write a narrative version of this, but the real thing was sooooo much better.

Enjoy!

me: i know you have pageant issues from the unfortunate miss clawson incident
me: however
pinto: you want me to sign up for a pageant?
me: no, you've already won
me: sort of
pinto: I SHOULD HAVE WON
me: I AGREE
me: that whore
me: where is she now?
me: in the gutter addicted to meth?
me: anyways
me: you are first runner up...to be my chaperone to the george michael concert
me: if cj is not able to fulfill her duties
me: like if she comes down with e coli or some shit
me: i'm assuming that your silence means that you are overcome
pinto: i’m honored and speechless.
pinto: um, i am learning that perhaps there are conditions here?
pinto: like, responsibilities?
me: well, yeah
me: first
me: i might cry
me: so, you'll have to deal with that
me: second, i may require that you slow dance with me during "careless whisper"
me: no...take the may out...that's a definite
pinto: i see.
me: third, you can't make fun of the way he says faith-a-faith-a-faith-a
pinto: chris says that perhaps i would be allowed to find a suitable, hopefully gay, mail suitor for your dancing needs?
me: :(
me: k
pinto: i will accept these conditions.
pinto: perhaps
pinto: i can also have a parade in my honor, as first runner up
pinto: and ride in the back of the miata
pinto: like i did in 1994
me: i can see it now...
me: we could blast a gm song from the stereo
me: your theme
me: i'll have to think on what your theme is
pinto: ok
me: in other news...did chris tell you of my embarrassing mall experience?
pinto: no
me: did you have a chance to read my blog?
pinto: yes, good lord you are funny
me: why thank you
me: ok, so i went to the mall to buy a work-appropriate outfit
me: and i became overwhelmed
me: i hate the mall
me: i went into dillard's and was like, "who wears this shit?"
me: i went into the gap and thought i was in a freaking runway show
me: where are the khakis?
me: so, i was feeling all down
me: cause none of this stuff is me
me: and i round the corner of a certain dept store
me: and see a nice table of khakis
me: and POLOS
me: white ones
me: blue ones
me: black ones
pinto: jen central
me: YES
me: i was like, I DO HAVE A PLACE IN THIS WORLD
me: then i looked up
me: ...
pinto: men's section?
me: worse
me: juniors...still not that bad
me: wait for it
me: school uniform section
pinto: oh no
me: :/
pinto: hahahahahahahahaha
me: that may turn into a blog
me: and i was thinking...i'm not a bad dresser
me: i'm no fashionista
me: i have a very classic americana preppy lesbian look
pinto: they really just need to have a lesbian store.
me: yes
me: the way the fucking gap used to be
pinto: nothing but polos and jeans, some men's, some women's, plain t-shirts, cargo shorts
pinto: nothing floral, no skirts or dresses
pinto: perhaps even a little rack in the corner for that has some t-shirts with embroidered cats on them
me: lol
me: rainbow cats
pinto: like 6 of them, each a different color
pinto: and on the end of the rack can be some fanny packs
me: we should do this
me: instead of big & tall...dyke & butch
pinto: it's gotta have a more subtle name - i would never shop at dyke & butch
me: no no no
me: that would just be a section
pinto: ah, i see
me: i have my pride too
pinto: "the other kind of girl"
me: girls who like [blog edit]
me: too much?
pinto: very subtle
me: sorry...i think my starbux had an extra shot
me: you're better at subtle anyway

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Putting the Casual Back in Business Casual...

I am of the opinion that jeans are business casual. Simply stated, jeans are nothing but khakis made out of denim. Especially the way I wear them...with a nice crease down the front. See?


I am NOTHING if not professional in those.

But alas, my boss is coming into the office unexpectedly, and I packed nothing but my jeans, 4 cans of heavy starch, and a commercial-grade iron. Oh well, guess I'll have to go Chatta-shopping tonite.

And in keeping with the theme, GM is in 2 days. Woot! I bet George Michael can wear jeans any time he damn well pleases. Shaking your ass next to a juke box in a pair of chinos would just be silly.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Friday, July 25, 2008

The Only Man I Have Ever Loved...


The countdown begins...

Monday, July 21, 2008

The girl may have a point.

So, Chris has always told me that I have a default photo face. A kind of frozen grin that flashes across my face when I know that my picture is being taken. I've denied such. However, a recent duo of pictures has made me reconsider her claims.

Exhibit A:

This picture was taken on my birthday. Did the large candle topped confection in front of me give it away? And don't hate on my cookie cake. Yes, I am aware that no one has ordered a cookie cake since 1987. I'm bringing it back, people, and Great American Cookies was glad to have the business. Times are tough. But I digress. On to...

Exhibit B:


This picture was taken last night at my delayed birthday celebration at B & C's. They were conveniently in Miami being chorus rock stars or some shit on my true birthday. I made them throw me a party when they got back. Again, with the digression.

The photos are strikingly similar. Let's review:

  • The smile is very similar.
  • My head is cocked slightly to the left in both.
  • Hands are clasped in both.
  • The same piece of hair has crept out from behind my left shoulder in both.
  • My hair is parted in the same place...let's be honest people...that part hasn't moved in 20 years and it's not moving anytime soon.
  • Apparently, pink is my summer color.
  • I have terrible posture in both.

Eery. I might submit these photos to Highlights magazine for a future installment of "spot the differences" That's right...I said, Highlights. Don't hate. Goofus & Gallant...I'm bringin' it back.