Throwing up is hard to do

Well, after only a few blogs under my belt, I am long overdue for one about throwing up. I had my most recent experience yesterday.

Some background, earlier this summer I was diagnosed with endomitriosis. It's a fun disease that causes really painful periods. I had surgery back in the summer to remove most of it, but I take birth control pills to help prevent new growth. A lesbian on birth control...it just ain't right. That reminds me of a hilarious exchange I had with the anesthesiologist during my surgery. I'm in the pre-op area hooked up to IVs and such. Both Chris and my Mom were back there with me, and the anesthesiologist walks up to ask me the standard questions...allergies, past experiences under anethesia, etc.

Anesthesiologist: Is there any chance you are pregnant?
Me: Uh, no.
A: Well, it's really important because the anesthesia could harm the baby. I mean, you may not even know that you're pregnant.
Me: Really, there's no chance.
A: We may need to do a pregnancy test...
Me: Look, there is zero chance...this is my girlfriend. I'm a lesbian.
A: Well, she doesn't know what you do when she's not around.

Freaking hilarious.

Ok, back to the point. So, I take birth control for the endo. and I take Celexa for anxiety. Actually it's the generic version thanks to the blood-sucking insurance company. Bastards. And I don't care what they say, the generic formula is not the same as the name brand. Case in point, and the original subject of this post...the generic makes me sick to my stomach. The name brand does not. Explain that people! The birth control does the same thing. So, I have to remember to take both with a meal. Well, I forgot to take my birth control pill Saturday so I had to double up on Sunday. Not fun. I felt ill all evening. I feel better if I eat something, but good lord, that's the last thing you want to do when you're nauseous.

"Hmmm, I feel as though I am going to empty my stomach of all of its contents. But boy, a turkey sandwich sure sounds good right now."

I think not, my friends. Chris was a trooper and followed me into the bathroom with the wet washcloth, held my hair, and rubbed my back. I appreciated her efforts although, I am not one that wants an audience when vomiting is a possibility. It's just one of the most vile of the bodily functions. Absent of a life-threatening situation, what other bodily function do you pray to get out of? "Please God, don't let me throw up. Really, whatever you want. I'll go to church every Sunday, I'll start doing charity work, I'll return that highlighter I stole from work on Friday...you name it, I'll do it!"

We humans should give ourselves some credit though. We are somewhat couth when it comes to these things. We at least excuse ourselves to the bathroom or hang our head out the window of a moving car or something. Animals? Not so much. Cats, especially, will go to the most inappropriate places. If you have not a stitch of carpeting in your house, your cat will find your bathroom rug. Don't leave any important paperwork out either. An original copy of your birth certificate apparently offers some comfort to the cat with a tummy ache.

Speaking of animals, our cat, Jack, waltzes into the bathroom. It's not that he was concerned about me, he just wants to be wherever Chris is. We actually have a picture of Chris doing a recent home improvement project, painting with one arm and holding Jack in the other like a sack of potatoes. Jack sits in Chris' lap, and I swear, I feel him making biscuits on my back as I'm kneeling on the bathroom floor. Then our dog Abba comes to the door, wagging her tail as if this is a party she wants in on. Privacy does not exist in our house. While all of this is going on, I'm still trying to come up with something that trumps what I promised God I would do last time I felt like I was going to throw up. Apparently what I prayed for, the big G liked, because the clouds parted, the animals scattered, and my stomach settled. And for that gift, all I have to do is adopt a baby from a third world country a la Angelina Jolie.

I think it was a fair trade. Don't you?